Did it suck? Review of vampire romance When Life Gives You Vampires by Gloria Duke

 

I tend not to read vampire fiction.  My feeling is that after Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and especially Season 2 of the show, and even more especially the mic drop of the two episodes in the middle of season 2, Surprise and Innocence, which was the best of the best of tragic romance -- after all that, there was nothing left worthwhile to say about vampires.  (I know, I know, Joss Whedon is cancelled, Buffy was a sexist show in a lot of ways, Xander was a creep.  Nevertheless.) 

I read Twilight when it came out and could feel my brain cells dying as I read it.  People complain about the gender politics of the story, and how creepy and stalkery Edward was, but I recall wondering when the plot would start.  There was no conflict for the first, oh, 9/10 of the book, just a lot of descriptions of West Coast rain by someone who seemed to have never been to the West Coast.

(I also read several of Anne Rice's Vampire books (when I wasn't reading her naked sex slave books) -- but that was before Buffy, which wiped the slate clean.)  

I picked up When Life Gives You Vampires, by Gloria Duke, because it seemed to have an interesting hook -- what would it mean for someone who has been dieting her entire life and believes she is overweight to be stuck for all eternity in that body, with no chance of ever losing weight?  But then, because this was the hook, I became sort of obsessed with the concept.  Why can't vampires gain or lose weight?  Where is it written that their bodies never change?  They can eat and drink (and they must drink blood), and by the laws of physics their body weight goes up every time they do that.  As with any other animal or humanoid that acquires mass, they can burn it off or poop it out, right?   If they expend more energy (calories) than they take in, they will lose weight.  (I realize this is an oversimplistic look at the human, and vampire, bodies, and that diets are stupid scams that don't work.)  And, why can't vampires get liposuction or other plastic surgery?  Why can't they shave?  

Obviously,  I spent a lot more time thinking about these issues then I did about the love story between new vampire Lily and old vampire Tristan.  There's not much to say about it.  They work through some issues. I think they end up together, but it was already yesterday that I finished the book so I don't really remember.  There was a more interesting subplot between Lily and a work enemy turned vampire slayer, who I would love to see as the main character in a sequel.  There was a much less interesting subplot between Lily and the big bureaucratic politician vampire, in which Lily gives a short speech and all the vampires in the world realize they need to change their ways.

This book was cute enough, but not cute enough for me to seek out more vampire love stories.