Romance review: How to Tame a Modern Rogue by Diana Holquist

 

 

When I came across How to Tame a Modern Rogue by Diana Holquist in a thrift store, I had some concern because it was published in 2009, and a lot of romance novels don't age well.  Its blurb caught my eye as a crossover between a modern and historical romance, with the contemporary characters pretending to live in a Regency romance novel, or some such.

I got lucky, because this book was utterly charming.  From the dotty grandmother who may or may not be pretending to have had a stroke that makes her think she is a character in a novel, to a man masquerading as a Central Park carriage driver when he is actually -- well, that, but much more, to a run-in with a punk band, this book had great energy.  

And the love interests rocked.  Ally is a mousy schoolteacher who keeps herself under tight control at all times to avoid being like her irresponsible parents who abandoned her.  Sam is -- need I say it? -- impossibly rich, impossibly handsome, irascible, blah blah blah romance hero blah blah blah.  

But what I loved about this book is that Ally and Sam seem like grownups.  The sex isn't the hottest, but it is very fun and very consensual.  They have actual conversations about things that really matter.  The conflict in the book isn't that they don't communicate with each other.  To the contrary, they show up for each other.  That's romance.

The book has some issues.  Ally blames her mother for running off with her father, but never really blames her father for running off.  And then she sort of forgives her mother because true love is somehow more important than not abandoning your child.  Naw.  Along the same lines, there is one scene that really needed a good editing in which no one is concerned about a toddler wandering around Central Park with no caretaker in sight.  

Those are minor complaints, though.  May all your thrift shop finds be as good as How to Tame a Modern Rogue. 

Review of You Had Me at Hola by Alexis Daria

 

 

In You Had Me at Hola by Alexis Daria, Jasmine and Ashton are super hot, super nice actors starring opposite each other in a Netflix-like show featuring an entirely Latinx cast.  They like it.  They like each other.  They bang. 

Jasmine's problem is that her family does not support her acting career and just wants her to settle down, get married, and have babies.  This leads her to be insecure, which leads her to fall in love too easily.

Ashton's problem is that he has a secret love child abandoned by the child's mother, who he has foisted on  his own father and grandparents to raise in Puerto Rico, while he lives in the mainland US to pursue his acting career.  He visits as much as he can, and wishes he could spend more time with his son.

The problem with the book is that these problems are not equivalent.  What if their roles were reversed -- if Ashton fell in love too easily and Jasmine had decided to farm out the raising of her child while she pursues her acting career?  Would we feel the sympathy for her as a mother -- poor thing, if only there were a way she could actually parent her child -- that we are apparently supposed to feel for Ashton as a father?  I wouldn't sympathize with her and I don't sympathize with Ashton.  Man up.  Parent your kid.  And if your responsibilities interfere with your acting career -- well, as a mother who made the typical huge career sacrifices that mothers often make to be the parent my kids needed, I just don't feel sorry for you. 

This is Our Life (a short story in which old friends reunite for an orgy)

  

Janet’s eyes prickled when Trey gave her one last wave before disappearing into the dormitory.  She leaned heavily on her walker, even though she knew her shoulders would make her regret it later.  She had not cried when her other children went off to college, rather delighting in the additional freedom that gave her.  But Trey was her last.  After three kids, and one divorce, and one bout of cancer, how much freedom could a person take?

Stella put her hand on top of Janet’s.  “Ready to be an empty nester?” she asked. 

Janet shrugged.  “I thought I’d take tomorrow off and enjoy it, and then I’m back to work on Monday.”

“Netflix and chill all by yourself?”

“Just Netflix.” 

“I don’t know about tomorrow, but I have plans for you for the rest of today.”

Stella was one of the few friends that Janet had from BK – before kids.  Most of them had been on a different life trajectory than her – they had their children earlier than her, or not at all.  But Stella had been a constant, making sure they got together every few months, never failing to send Stella birthday and Christmas presents.  Even Mother’s Day gifts.  When the kids were too little to know to do that on their own, those presents were often the only ones she received.

And Stella had been stalwart during the cancer treatments.  Of course Janet’s kids did the best they could, but they could not face their mother’s mortality with anything approaching helpfulness.  And now that Janet was in remission – hobbling with a walker still, and her straight hair replaced with curly – Stella still seemed to have a sixth sense about when Janet needed help.  Today, for instance, she had volunteered to drive Janet and Trey, but to Janet the moral support was more important than the ride. 

“I brought you something,” Stella said.  She reached into her bag and handed Stella a long rectangular package covered with loud purple wrapping paper.  “Open it in the car.”

Janet put her walker in the back seat and got in on the passenger side.  After Stella settled herself in the driver’s seat, Janet carefully pulled the gold ribbon and then tore off the wrapping paper.  She dropped the package, shocked. 

“I said just Netflix, not Netflix and chill.”  She glanced around to make sure that no one was looking in the direction of the car, and then picked up the box and opened it.  The vibrator inside matched the picture.  It was the kind that goes all the way in your pussy like a cock while massaging your clit.  Stella was surprised that those words even still made their way into her brain. 

“It’s not for tomorrow  I told you, I have plans for you today.  We’re having a party.  Well, an orgy.”

Janet shook her head.  “You know I haven’t done anything like that since before I started dating Alec.  It’s been decades.”

“I know,” Stella said.  “I got the old gang back together.  I’ve been planning it for weeks.”

“Stella, I . . .”  Janet indicated her legs, her body.  “Look at me.  I’m old, I’m fat, I can’t even walk right.”

“Honey, we’re all old now.  And unlike you, I never had looks to lose.”  Janet shook her head.  True, Stella had never been a conventional beauty, in part because she never cared to learn how to enhance her features.  She had been a dark-skinned girl adopted by white parents, raised at a time when it never occurred to her mother to learn how to do her hair or teach her how to take care of her patchy skin.  Her coping mechanism was to defiantly not care.  To this day she dressed like a schlub – right now she was wearing a long-sleeved white t-shirt and a peasant skirt, either of which would have been fine as part of a different outfit. She had put cornrows in her hair a few weeks ago but they were growing out and looked sloppy.  And yet she had an inner beauty, almost a light, that shone through.  Charisma was the word, Janet thought. 

Janet had been pretty enough when she was young.  She had tended towards classic styles as she did not enjoy shopping, but she knew what colors enhanced her peaches and cream complexion and brought out the green of her eyes.  Now her eyes had been darkened by the drops she took for glaucoma, her skin had toughened, and her figure had spread.  She had gained back the weight she had lost from chemotherapy, and more, and other than physical therapy she had let exercise go by the wayside. 

Stella pulled out of their parking space.  She casually rested her hand on Janet’s knee.  “It’s an hour or so drive, so you have some time to get into the right mindset.”  She moved her hand a little higher.  “Tell me you want to do this.”

Suddenly Janet felt – what was that feeling? – happiness? Giddiness? It was joy.  “You knew I would.  You know I do.  I can’t wait.”

 

***

 

The truth was, sometimes Stella didn’t like Janet all that much.  Janet was not a complainer, but she had this way of making people feel sorry for her.  At the same time, for all that Stella had done for Janet over the years, she knew she had always been a secondary character in Janet’s life.  Janet had no idea, for example, how much she hated hospitals, after seeing her mother through a slow and painful demise.  Janet seemed to think of her not as a successful accountant with her own small firm, but as someone who could be on call because she sadly had no children of her own.  (Which, Stella supposed, was better than thinking of her as “my black friend,” as she was fully aware many white people of  her acquaintance did.)

And here they were again, Stella acting as Janet’s sidekick.  She had chauffeured her and her son to college, stood quietly by during the unloading and the goodbyes, and now was slowly warming Janet up with her hand on her knee.  It was disappointing but not surprising that Janet was not reciprocating.

Actually, Stella didn’t mind that much.  She liked to be in charge.  While she had no doubt had a lot more sex than Janet in the last, oh, twenty years, full on sex parties had long since given way to careers and families.  Stella loved to plan, and it had given her genuine delight to reach out to their old friends.  Janet’s new freedom was merely an excuse.

The ride was pleasant.  Once they left the college town it was open road on  a two lane highway.  They chatted about the sites they were driving past– an alpaca farm, a so-called country store that sells the same crap every other gift shop sells, mile after mile of crops of feed corn.  All the while Stella massaged the inside of Janet’s leg, sometimes a bit closer to the knee, sometimes higher – but never too high.  The two woman said nothing about that, Stella mostly paying attention to the road and Janet staring straight ahead. 

Finally Stella  saw the tall fence.  She slowed and turned into the open gate.  As she did so she finally moved her hand almost to the apex of Janet’s thighs.    She could feel Janet’s wetness.

Janet gasped.  Stella didn’t know if it was because of the location – the old abandoned lot that once, a long time ago, had been the drive-in movie theater where she and Janet first met at a Star Wars showing their families had brought them to when they were girls – or because Stella had flicked her finger across Janet’s panty-clad clit; or because she saw Lou waiting there, as ramrod straight and solid as an oak tree, his feet spread, his arms crossed.  His hair was gray now, but almost as thick as ever, and he was sporting a beard that was new since Stella had last seen him a few months ago.  He strode over to the car, grinning. 

Stella turned off the ignition, continuing to finger Janet over her panties.  Lou opened Janet’s door.  He stopped when he saw Stella’s hand.  “Getting the party started without us?” he said. 

“Just getting the guest of honor warmed up,” Stella said. 

Janet lifted Stella’s hand to her lips and kissed it.  “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had,” she said.  When she leaned towards Stella, Stella automatically leaned towards her.  Janet kissed her on the lips, more sweetly than ardently.  “I know what I owe you.” 

 

***

 

Lou closed and locked the gate.  He returned to the car and took Janet’s walker out of the back seat.  He was disappointed that her kiss with Stella had been brief.  In his mind he was not slower to get aroused than when he was younger, but his body did not always understand that.  He had popped a Viagra when he had arrived.  It would be a little while longer before it took effect. 

He bussed Janet’s check.  “Did you bring Georgia?”  Janet asked him.

“Of course.  We don’t play without each other.” He often wished he could tell his sons how he had first met their mother, to advise them that the endless rounds of online dating was no way to meet someone you would still want to fuck when you were in your 60’s.  It had been at a  munch, back when you had to find them through ads in the back of alternative newspapers and then hope for the best. 

“Damn walker.”  Janet was trying to reach him for a hug, but the aluminum bars were in the way.    

Lou maneuvered so that he could wrap his arms around her.  “We’re set up just on the other side of the old ticket booth,” he said.  He was suddenly concerned.  “Can you walk that far, or should we drive you?”

Janet sniffed.  “I can walk quite well with this, actually.  My physical therapist makes me.”  Lou smiled over her head at Stella, who, naturally, was loaded down with a number of bags. 

“Oops, almost forgot!”  Stella opened the car door and grabbed a vibrator box.  “It needs its inaugural journey.  I precharged it.”  She tossed it into one of the bags.

“Allow me,” Lou said, and took two of the bags from her. They turned the corner of the booth, walking slowly for Janet.  Stella took Lou’s hand.  He looked down at their intertwined fingers, his rough and calloused, light against her skin.  “Toys are nice,” he said to her, “but I can’t wait to make you come with my mouth.” 

 

***

 

Georgia felt a frisson of excitement when she overheard Lou.  They still went to play parties occasionally, but this one was special.  A group of people who she not only trusted but knew, not only knew but loved.  And it had been so long since they had been together.  She was pretty sure that the last time had been during her unfortunate redhead stage.  She truly felt that she should have been a redhead, but after just a few months she had to admit that the color simply did not match her complexion.  Right now she was in one of her rare blonde times.  Very bad for the long-term health of her hair, but it made her look younger than she felt.  The thought made her knees ache.

Stella and Janet had been the last to arrive.  Kirk and Tanner were already making out.  Georgia enjoyed watching them.  Men having sex with each other had always turned her on.  Lou would indulge her occasionally, but it wasn’t really his thing – although making her happy was his thing.  Today would make her happy.

She greeted the new arrivals, relieved that Janet looked so much better than the last time she had seen her, just after she had finished her last round of chemo. 

Kirk had set everything up the night before.  Georgia wasn’t sure why he had bought the old drive-in.  She assumed that he had some kind of development plan for it and would not be using it indefinitely for open-air orgies.  She enjoyed having a friend who was rich, and not just because he always paid for dinner.  Georgia was never shocked by sexual appetites – as long as everything that happened was consensual all around – but Kirk sometimes shocked her with his business dealings.  His descriptions of getting around wetlands policies, or the shady characters who invested in his subdivisions, made her feel pure by comparison.

And yet, Kirk had such a sweetness about him.  She watched him pull back from Tanner, murmuring to him.  Tanner smiled and sat up next to him. 

 

***

 

Tanner was on the gayer side of bi.  It’s not that he never enjoyed a woman, but his tastes in them ran to strong and pert-breasted and . . . young.  When he was young himself, that was fine.  When he was in the middle of middle age, it was still okay.  But he liked being able to talk to the people he had sex with, without cringing, without their naivete making him feel like Methuselah.  That, and he had no interest in being anyone’s sugar daddy, and at this point in his life he was sure that was all a young woman would want him for.

He had kept his looks better than any of the others here.  Of course, he had had an easier life.  No kids, no bitter divorces (two that were amicable), and a career as an actuary that paid fine but which he left at the office at the end of every day.

Kirk was delicious and Tanner was delighted to be with him.  Tanner pulled him back down onto the giant bed that Kirk had set up in the parking lot, hidden from the street by the fencing.  The right height to allow all of them to get onto it and off of it with ease.  Big enough that they could all fit.

“I brought toys,” Stella chirped.  She threw a couple of bags onto the bed, and Lou tossed two others next to them.  Tanner sat up again and dumped out their contents.  Butt plugs, vibrators, restraints.   No whips, Tanner noticed.  Oh well, he had brought his hands.  He reached for the leather cuffs and dangled them in front of Kirk.  “Shall we?” he asked.

“Soon,” Kirk said.

 

***

 

This was a rare day off for Kirk.  He reminded himself as part of his daily five-minute morning meditation that a lot of people worked just as hard as he did – the people who cleaned his offices, for example – and that he should be grateful that he had found a career that he liked and that made him wealthy.  

He leaned back onto the bed.  What a joy to be rich enough to buy a giant bed and put it in an empty parking lot that he owned just to enjoy it for a few hours with his friends.  What a joy to be with friends.  Truth be told, the sex was his least favorite part of all this.  He could get sex pretty much any time.  But to be with people he had known since he was just a roofer, who had cared for him before he had money and cared for him now regardless of his money – that was special.  Of course, they were also people who had known him when he still had hair, when his tats were fresh and bold, when they could have sex parties at night without the likelihood that one of them would immediately begin to doze off.

He leaned back on the bed and looked up at the blue, blue sky.  “Everyone jump on!”

 

***

 

The party was in honor of Janet, so they made sure that she was satisfied first and best.  She insisted on undressing when the others did and scooting to the middle of the bed without help.  She sprawled out in an X, daring the others to look at her scars.  They did.  Kirk kissed the one at her hip from her first surgery.  “Do you want to be tied up?” Stella asked her, knowing the answer.  Janet had always loved the restraints.  She said they helped her relax, to not try do for others as they were doing for her.

Once all four limbs were secured, spread eagled but not stretched taut, the others got to work.  Janet reminded them to stay away from her underarms – she despised having her underarms touched.  “We know, honey,” Tanner said.  “And the safe word is Satan.  Like always.”  Lou had come up with that, decades ago.  It had seemed perfect at the time, when they were tilting at windmills and thinking that sex was a radical act.

“Shall we work from the outside in?” Tanner asked. 

“Oh, yes,” Janet said. 

Tanner and Kirk took her legs, massaging her from her feet up her thighs, but stopping a few inches from her pussy.  Stella and Georgia took her arms, working their way up from her hands to the bend in her arm – who could forget how that spot turned her on? – and then up to her shoulders, avoiding her underarms.  Lou watched for a couple of minutes and then very carefully began massaging the area just below her navel.  “Oh my god,” Janet said. 

Tanner blew on her pussy.  Janet writhed.  “Shall we tease you, honey?” Stella asked.  “Or make it fast?”

Janet didn’t answer.  “She wants us to tease her,” Georgia said.  “But she’s worried we’ll get bored.”

“Because after all these years she understands nothing,” Kirk said.  He nudged her leg with his hard on.  “Let’s wait until she begs.”

It didn’t take long.  Hands slowly made their way to Janet’s breasts.  Fingers brushed her pussy and retreated.   Lips sucked on her neck, on her lips.  A tongue flicked her clit, and then stopped.  The top most part of her inner thighs were massaged.  Her nipples were sucked on powerfully.  “I’m ready,” she said.  “I’m ready.”

Kirk laughed.  “But we’re not ready for you, honey.  That’s the beauty of being tied up.”  The others murmured agreement and continued to fondle and suck her, but not her pussy, not her clit.

The tongue, just there, again, and then retreating.  She lifted her hips.  It had to be Tanner blowing on her.  “Should we give her some relief?” he asked.  He carefully pushed his finger into her pussy, but avoided her clit.  “So wet.”  Now when she writhed, his finger brought sensations to her inside.  “Do you want to be fucked,  honey?”

“No,” Janet said.  “I want all of you, touching me.  Please.  Now.”  She lost track of who was doing what.  She could feel the delicious pulling on her breasts.  The finger left her pussy and entered her butt, just enough.  And then a mouth closed on her clit, sucking, tongue swirling.  She exploded into it, not holding back on her moans. 

Before she finished coming, Lou said, “Can I fuck you now?”  She nodded.  Lou grabbed a condom from the bed while the others pulled back to make room for him.   When he entered her she came around him almost immediately He had only begun, though.  He would not be rushed.  He could not be rushed. 

“Stop for a second,” someone – Kirk? – said to him.  He rested on his elbows, leaning down to kiss Janet.  He felt something between his ass cheeks.

“You want this?”

“I do.”  The butt plug went into him smoothly, painlessly, but Kirk kept his grip on the handle, gently pressing on it and letting go.  Lou could barely hold on.  The combination of Janet enveloping him in her slickness and the pressure in his ass . . . he hammered in Janet, who seemed to be coming continuously.  Kirk pulled the buttplug out and pushed it back in, hard.  Lou shouted, his orgasm overflowing him.

He rested on Janet for a minute.  Janet feebly patted him on his back.  “You’re a saint,” she said.

He turned his head.  Stella was laying on the other side of Janet, her legs splayed, while Georgia pressed on her clit with a vibrator.   Kirk pulled out the butt plug, making Lou shudder, and tossed it onto the ground.  “My turn,” Tanner said to Kirk. 

“Butt plug, or me?”  Kirk asked. 

“You, honey.”  He lay down and lifted his butt up into the air.  When Kirk entered him, Lou kissed him, loving the way that the vibrations from his groans felt. 

“Georgia, come where I can reach you,” Janet said. 

When Georgia repositioned herself, Stella grumbled.  “Hush, honey,” Georgia said.  She pushed the vibrator more firmly against Stella’s clit, while Janet began  massaging Georgia’s clit.  In what seemed like a chain reaction, Stella came, then Tanner, then Kirk, then Georgia.  The whole group lay still, spent.

“Did anyone bring snacks?” Georgia asked.